Feliz Navidad!

Merrrrrry Christmas! What a wonderful day! Christmas eve was beautiful, went to a gorgeous cathedral downtown....so majestic. Stayed up late playing dutch blitz, drinking eggnog and eating cookies. Christmas day was great...opening presents, eating a huge meal, piano recital, enjoying time with Grandma and Carol. Tomorrow i might brave the malls for a new camera..and the day after my 21st birthday! And then MTL for New Years! Should be an amazing rest of the year. 

With All Creation I Sing, Praise to the King of Kings!

I think I've had a baptism of the Holy Spirit-no major earth shattering moments, no shaking or falling, but rather a more profound, passionate love for God that is deeper than I've ever experienced before. The more I learn about God, the more i experience his unfailing faithfulness and love for me, the more I fall deeper in love with my Savior. God I love you and i want to grow deeper in You, I want to experience life in abundance and delve into the rich blessings you bestow upon your children. I want to live and breathe the Kingdom of God, to be an ambassador of the King of Kings. God I pray you shape me according to your will, that you will remove anything that is displeasing in your sight. Im sorry for so often failing to live up to my calling as your daughter, for reflecting the world around me instead of You. I proclaim you Lord over my life, i pray the blood of Jesus over me. Thank you Jesus. 

Guilt...

Pretty much sums up my current feeling...I wish I had a legitimate (in his eyes) reason to have broken things off...something he would understand. I wish I could be angry at him, to be the one that was wronged. To be the one perpetrating the pain and heartbreak, no matter how mutual the hurt, would at least ease my guilt...I dont know how i could have done this in a way that would have lessened the blow...

Em's prayer:

He has things already lined up for you that are better than you can imagine - He works all things together for the good of those who love him!!  Phil. 1.6: For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit- I pray that you would be with Candice right now - God you know exactly what she's feeling and the strength and encouragement and peace that she needs. Holy Spirit, I pray that your peace would completely fill her mind, body, and soul. Thanks. And please be with Shady - God you have incredible plans for him and I ask that this situation would be the catalyst that starts his seeking after truth and after you. Thanks that you are so close to him and nothing is impossible for you. God, we choose to trust you with this entire situation. Thanks for being trustworthy and faithful. 

I echo this God--please draw near to him now i pray, may he sense your comfort and peace. May he begin to intimately know you and love you with all his heart, mind and soul. I pray that his depression will ease quickly and you will erase any lingering hurt. Thank you for your promise to be near the brokenhearted and to never leave us or forsake us. I lean on you God because i have nothing left...thank you for being a God who is faithful.

Nobody said this was easy

I cant keep on this downward spiral of depression, but knowing that and doing anything about it are two different things. I suppose leaving my bedroom refuge will help...I don't care about my own pain, but knowing the agony he is going through stabs me like a knife...he says he has a powerful love for me. I feel it too..this is why i had to break up. I couldnt tell him he needed to grow closer to God and thus be a hypocrite when i know that being with him compromises my own relationship w God. How do i explain to him that everything i felt for him was real? God is there someone else out there for me or will i forever be in pain? Please help me to focus on you and your promises of faithfulness. I pray you draw near to us tonight. Amen

Dreaming with Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart 

Then waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for a moment you can hardly breathe 
Wondering was he really here? 
Is he standing in my room? 
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... 

When you're dreaming with a broken heart 
The giving up is the hardest part 
He takes you in with his crying eyes 
Then all at once you have to say goodbye 
Wondering could you stay my love? 
Will you wake up by my side? 
No he can't, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... 

Dark Night

I dont think the pain will ever subside...just when i start feeling slightly at peace about my decision, waves of fresh pain paralyze me and have me questioning my sanity. Theres this dull ache in my heart..how could i let go of someone so perfect, so loving and caring? How could i inflict such pain upon him..it kills me knowing how much i've hurt him. I can't keep talking to him...it just opens the dam of tears and heartache that i keep so tightly held back throughout the day..Nighttime is the worst...God please, if you have any compassion on your children, be near to him now...bring him your touch of comfort and peace...may he find you and may he rest in the comfort of your wings. And God..please allow peace to pervade my heart....i pray you take the edge off my pain.

Can the Maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart

There you have it God, i am absolutely nothing. Shattered beyond repair, broken and desolate. I have nothing left. I sacrificed my love on the alter, raised my knife and dealt the final blow. Why didn't you intervene God, save me the way you saved Abraham from having to fulfill what you asked of him? Why is there so much pain Father..shouldn't i be feeling a sense of peace that i did the right thing and not just an overwhelming sense of loss and regret, knowing i just severed ties with the love of my life? I didn't want to give him up God...i love him so much, and he's done nothing to deserve this. Please be with him now...send your angels of comfort and restoration to be with him now. I pray that through this he will come to know you and love you. I pray we will be able to be together again, forever. Please open up his heart towards you-let him understand God that this is the last thing i wanted to do.

You turned my sorrow into joy

Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, "My foot is slipping, " your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

End of Summer...

Its the end of summer, not that I had much of one to begin with. Still, September always comes with mixed emotions, sadness at the end of long (albeit imagined) days spent lounging on the beach, sipping cocktails on the patio and having fun in the sun. This summer was more like being stressed out 24/7 about money, studying for summer school, or working like a slave. There were bright moments however...Muskoka, bonfire with the sis's, laughing like loons at "the Hub" (u know what happens when u give us girls caffeine or sugar!) Amy's visit was also a highlight, VIP at 6 degrees, salsa-ing it up, middle-eastern food, Panorama lounge overlooking the city, smoking shisha and chillin at Yulied's apt...I also made some great friends like BAMBA- my Senegalian BFF..he's actually amazing-good times debating politics walking home from school, making food together, cruisin around with Robert..speaking francais..he's one of those people that i know i will be friends with forever, (although he's still in love with me, but the friendship ONLY has been very firmly established.) Alpha is another awesome guy i've met this summer...he's so caring and sweet, and it helps he's the kitchen manager, so i havent completely starved! Hangin out w Maya is pretty much consistently amazing. Salsa dancin every week..with Dancing Denny, in the pouring rain...funn times! Lest we not forget my arabian prince boyfriend Chadi El Moussa...going to the Island, cuddling..he's been there through thick and thin..he really is one of a kind...

Not even going to mention the not so good times...best left in the past. Lessons learned..budgettttttttttt, save.....etc etc!!!!! 

We'll see what this year brings...seems I am taking a semester off, saving money, then perhaps/ hopefully moving back to TO in January, then doing an internship in the summer, im thinking Cape Town, South Africa, or Germany. Then next year, exchange?? On vera.....

A la proxima! Besos